This is a letter that I wrote for myself, to myself, at the beginning of January 2019.
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On one hand I feel undeserving of being able to make it to 2019 as many others that I know & don’t know sadly ended their journey’s in 2018. 2018 was a difficult year, I made a lot of my decisions through inaction due to fear of failure, as a fail safe and out of a lack of ambition/motivation. I feel as though I left many stones unturned and so many roads unexplored because, for some of the time at least, I wanted to be in limbo. But then limbo became my comfort, I shielded myself with white lies and deceit. I lied to myself in order to stay in my comfortable coasting and not better myself, my life, my mental health. I found myself in so many situations that could have been dealt with with ease but I chose to continue lulling around, pussyfooting between my problems. I felt/feel ashamed for allowing myself to slip so far into destruction, to a point in which I told myself it was too hard to pull myself back up.
Over these last two years, I’ve literally been to hell and back. Taking STRIDES to overcome my demons, but somewhere along the way I started to become my own enemy of progress. I decided to not better myself through the fear of the reaction from certain people and it got me nowhere. After this realisation, I knew something needed to change. I was so lost in myself. I thought that the only way around this was to really get to know myself, what I want, my values, my passions, who I am and what motivates me. Honestly, before I sat down and really took at look at my life, these are things I thought I knew about myself. How could I not know who I was?
In all honesty, when I really sit back and reflect on myself at the beginning of 2018, to now, a few days into 2019 - even though I maybe have taken a few steps back, I can see within myself that I have come leaps and bounds to be where I am. NOBODY can tell me that I am not winning.
If I didn’t have the people I do around me and I didn’t find something to fight for, my journey could have easily ended early 2017. But look where I am today, despite my current flaws and tribulations, I am here. I am alive. I am living, breathing proof that it can be done and for that I will always be proud of me, myself and I.
And so, I have decided that 2019 WILL be my year. It will be my year to shine, my year to become my best self and flourish. I am finally learning to love myself and building my emotional intelligence/understanding my feelings.
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I decided to share this letter to myself to show others what inspired me to start this blog. It has been a few months since I made my first post and, to say the least, these months have been a roller coaster. The first few days after starting this blog, I fell ill and it took a lot to find the motivation to come back and write again. My first post after I had recovered was ‘2019’ and it was written as an insight into how I was feeling at the time. Before last week I wanted to keep my blog and myself as separate online presences but eventually I realised that my blog is me, I am my blog. These are my thoughts, my feelings. Not only did I think that so many people had this preconceived idea of the person I was but I also had a huge fear of failure and I didn’t want that to be seen my the people I know. I was so wrapped up in about what others would think that I held myself back.
But no longer.
I shared this letter as a permanent reminder to myself and to others that no matter what life throws at you, tomorrow might be a better day. That we can all be a victim of our minds but in the end we can prevail. As a reminder that we have been through hard days, and there may be more to come, but we’ve had the willpower and bravery to push through to get to where we are today.
2017 & 2018 were difficult years but I’ve finally started to see the light at the end of the tunnel and I hope that you can too.
Love H